My Journal

Finding out I was adopted

Now Let me say this now…. My Mother Miss. Blake… Is my mother. She may not have birthed me but she has raised me since I was 2 months old so she is all I have ever known to be my mother.

How I found out I was adopted was kind of a messed up and in an idiotic way. I say idiotic because I should have known and there where ssssooooo many signs …..Maybe I was just too young to think that deep. When I was younger I use to live houses away from my biological mother and didn’t even know it. My older biological sister and biological mother use to walk by my house while me sitting on the front porch when I was in elementary and not say anything. My older sister one day came up on the porch when no one was around and she said “I’m your big sister” and I love you. I didn’t understand it I thought she was weird and a crazy little girl. I don’t even think I said anything to my mother about it. When I say “my mother” I mean Miss. Blake (adoptive mother). Just had to put that out there so y’all don’t get confused.

My mother and my God mother use to take me, my little brother, and my cousin Chelsea down to the baseball field called the “sand pound” up in Akron, Oh. They tore it down years ago it is now where “Hellen Arnold” sits. But they would take us down there and they would play baseball with their adult league while me, Khai (God Brother), and my cousin Chelsea sat in that hot sun with an umbrella,  juices, and waters and watched.While “The Nation of Islam” would come around trying sale bean pies and news papers to everyone. Adults with their vans with beds in the back and tires on the double hatch doors aka “THE RAPE VANS”… LOL no one got raped but now a days thats what we call them.

Drinking their beers playing loud music having fun , talking mad stuff, barbecuing etc…(just trying to set the scene of what a good time it was)  But HHOOONNEEEYYY!!! When I tell you that that sun was hot it was HOT…. I still remember the heat and I was about 5-6years old…LMAO. They use to play for a team called the “All Stars.”  I say all this because my biological father would play baseball on that same field. The kicker is he didn’t even know I was his child at the time. My father thought I was dead, well thats what my biological mother told him. She told him “I had died by the umbilical chord.” So I would see him play but never knew who he was…

I was seven years old and my mother Miss. Blake took me over to my biological fathers mothers house and introduced me to them. Telling him I was his daughter and I was alive. All I can remember is my biological grandmother bursting into tears. I can’t remember my fathers reaction but I remember hers. Still then it didn’t register that I was adopted. I just thought Miss. Blake was my mother and Darren was my father. EEEWWWWW Now that I’m older I know that that “bump and grind” would have definitely never happen.. Whats even crazier is my last name was Boone all the way until I was about 12yrs old before I got it changed. That was my biological mothers last name and I still didn’t think anything of it. I just figured I had a different last name. I know, stupid right? 

So My father found out I was alive. You would think that would have changed his life? Honestly I don’t think it did. My dad had always been in and out of jail and I have so many biological brothers and sisters between my dad and biological mother I can’t count because he doesn’t even know still. I have met people that say he is the father of their child and he doesn’t even know. Im 29 and it seems like every year a new one pops up. But whats crazy is out of all my brothers and sisters I was the only one given up. I guess it was a blessing in disguise. But the unhealthy relationship me and my father and biological mother had is another story for another day.

But to get to the part I found out I was adopted. I was arguing with my God Brother Khai on the stairs at the house. At the time I think me, my mom, my god mother and god brother where still under the same roof. But me and khai where arguing on the stairs and he got so mad and yelled at me “thats why your adopted!!” and it seem like the world stopped all I could yell was ‘NO IM NOT!!” He said “Yes you are ask NANA.” Nana is what my little god brother called my mother Miss. Blake. So I went to the kitchen where my mother was washing dishes and I asked and she asked “who told you that?” and I said “Khai” and she paused and said “Yes.” I didn’t know what to say…. It was like my whole life until then made sense. I know it sounds stupid but I was a kid enjoying life, playing games like hide-n-go seek and Power Rangers with the next door neighbors kids… I had no care in the world. But it seem when he told me that and my mother confirmed it… I gradually began to decline….I cant explain it… its like everything in my life from then on changed for me… I started to act out…I went into depression so bad that I had to get pastoral counseling recommend by the school.,,,,I went from good grades and my mother being my best friend to wasted years of making her cry by not doing right… I didn’t know how to deal with the confusion and questions unanswered.

  1. why out of all the 30 freakin children y’all had why didn’t y’all want me…
  2. why couldn’t my father be around like he was supposed to be
  3. why use me and our visitations as an excuse to cheat on your wife
  4. why do drugs around me
  5. why tell me roll down the window while you smoke knowing I have asthma
  6. why didn’t y’all care

I could go on with the questions but we would be here all day ….

Some may say “well, at least you had a good home to go to some others were in the system.” Me, it wasn’t about having a good home… It was me trying to figure out who am I. I was so different from my adoptive family even though my mother loved everything unique about me. But it seemed as though everyone else I dissapointed or didn’t live up to their standards when all I was trying to do was figure out who am I!! And what do I need to do to be accepted by everyone and not just by my mother. When would I ever be good enough… I got so tired of trying I just did the opposite… But going through all that now that I am older I have learned to just be true to me and when people learn that you don’t care to live by their standards and you are who you are and you have accepted that… then they will eventually accept you for who you are too.

“I am no one special I am just like everyone else”

 

 

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